Not Answers…

I’ve been doing some work the last few days. I’ve identified a couple of parts of me. For fun I gave them names. This is a tale of the Namer and the HyperVigilante–HV may be related to Fear itself, but, of that, I’m not completely certain.

The Namer is a long time friend. He likes to find the answers. And he’s pretty good at it. The Namer has an ability, often, to see through the muck and the mire and to arrive at conclusions that satisfy for a good while. Ha, to be honest, he’s so good, I am only now realizing, a few paragraphs in, that the driver‘s seat is his currently. The Namer likes resolution. He likes to know. Seeks control. And not in a negative way, but more so in an attempt to calm the choppy, and sometimes stormy, waves of the sea of existence. The Namer is on that persistent and perseverant quest to calm those seas. He asks along with Moses, what do I say your name is?

The reply I am that I am, Jahweh, well… that settles things for a moment, but soon the Namer is back at work trying to define Being itself.

I’m grateful to the Namer. His role in helping me to wade through complex issues of life make it easier for me in a variety of ways. Alas, the Namer is burdened.

Now the Hypervigilante–yeah he’s operating on his own it seems, but he’s working in tandem, or at least in support of, the Namer. The HV has made me who I am in so many ways. The HV, like the Namer, is very good at his part. He helps me anticipate needs. Helps me see issues as they arise, and often to anticipate a variety of scenarios in advance and then along with the Namer works to resolve many of the possibilities. This is a great help, and is in very large part, why I have been so successful as a teacher, council member, and a pretty good daddy. I’m geared up instantaneously to find the answers and solve the problems.

But the HV carries a heavy load. He’s grooved into the nervous system. Got that fight or flight figured out for sure. And that same ability to foresee and play out multiple scenarios…. well the HV can sound the alarm and rally the troops and all the other metaphors to deal with the worst cases imaginable. And, for real, immediately. Straight to the conclusions and the sympathetic nervous system high alert. And Mr. HV has been keen as of late. Hyper.

Both of these friends have been with me for a long time. And, as I said, I’m learning to be grateful for their roles in getting me here. Because they’re doing the best they can. They’re trying to help me. Trying to solve it. Solve it all. For me. Because, for whatever reason, that goal, of making sense of it all, of making all things right, the Namer and the HyperVigilante, they both want to reach that goal. For me.

And sometimes I think it’s stupid to jump to the conclusions, but it’s not stupid. I know why they do it. But what I want for the Namer and the HV to know, is that they don’t have to. They don’t have to do it. They can rest. They can lay down their burdens.

Because it’s not answers and conclusions that I need. That we need. It’s the experience of the presence of the Christ. (Nod to Buechner and Nathan Rouse for putting that idea in my head.) It’s the experience and faith in the Eternal Presence. The Eternal Goodness. I Am. The I Am.

And here’s the truth. The truth of the human experience. The human condition. On the way of Eternal Presence lies suffering. It just does. It’s the way of the Cross. The Christ. But the greatest story ever told also holds Hope. In fact it portrays the suffering leading to perseverance and to character and to hope. This is nothing new. And yet the Mercy of this way of Hope is all new always.

I’m fond of saying I don’t know. But in ways, I suspect, the Namer has worked to help me turn that I Don’t Know into its own kind of knowing. Something on which to grasp.

Thank you my two friends, for seeking the best for me, for trying to take me to Peace. But rest now. Find your balance in Peace and Hope. In the Christ that is King of my person. The Mercy Seat. Ancient language, but a fresh hearing.

Peace is. Hope is. Life is. Love is. Christ is. I am. Lay your burdens in the Eternal Presence, my weary friends, Namer and HyperVigilante. Rest and find Balance.

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