I had the -oscopy this past week and, Praise the One, I got good news. I also went FB live immediately afterward and once I got home Insta live… both to the dismay of Sarah, as apparently, I was saying some pretty wild junk off camera. LOL
Now, it does make you think and wonder about consciousness. How could I be that out of it, but still somehow recognize the audience I was speaking to? And the drive that wanted to let everyone that had been praying for me and considering me that I was ok… those outweighed any of the effects from the dope I was on.
The Insta live is filled with memorable phrases. Slanted sleeping. Sarah in the background saying ok that’s enough. Me saying I was as good as I was gonna be. Profound stuff, ya know? 😉
But there’s a phrase that comes seemingly out of nowhere: I will find you. But I follow it up with a complete change in my facial expression and say it 2 more times. And then I say…
“Just to say hey… that’s all.”
And like I said earlier, consciousness is a marvel. Because of all the things I don’t remember one bit, I do remember that moment. And as I’ve watched it back many times, you can tell just a bit, that right after I say ‘just to say hey’ that I break for a second. There is a wave of emotion. That is all.
Life is short. It really is. We don’t need the reading from Job 14 from the RCL on this Holy Saturday to alert us to the fact. We all know it internally.
All those years when our kids were young and older parents would say things like ‘time goes by so fast’ or ‘they’ll be grown before you know it’ etc. And at the time, of course, we were the young parents who knew all the things. So we were gonna make sure and cherish every moment as they all go by at the same speed. And we weren’t gonna let time sneak up on us like that.
I think we’ve done a pretty good job cherishing the moment. But time is relatively undefeated it seems. Time is short. Fleeting moments.
So we’ve got to love. We’ve got to say hey. That’s all.
I’ve been guilty of withdrawing. Circling my wagons–(is that ok to say?). Once I pulled into my friend’s yard to apologize to him, and he said that he knew we’d been rolled over, but that the way we were responding was to draw our circle tighter and tighter. He wasn’t wrong.
I don’t know about the self-care ethic. That’s not a statement of judgement. It’s a real pondering I have. I do self-care things. I know that my own mental well being is important so that I can be there for other folks. But I do wonder if the pendulum has swung too far maybe. Maybe. Do I make too many excuses about moving on from relationships that are draining or uncomfortable or whatever? Instagram says it’s ok for me to be concerned with mostly myself. Again, not judgement. Just my train of thought pre and post colonoscopy.
Here’s what I’m sure of. The texts and comments both profoundly intimate, such as ‘you’ll be fine‘ from G, or the ones that were just ‘thoughts and prayers’… they all meant so much to me. The knowing glances of gladness after hearing the good news. Those meant all the things to me.
We really are in this thing together. Life. Death. Existence. We all have questions about the mystery of it all. We all approach trying to answer those questions as best we can. And at the end of the day, I think sometimes we… or I… can make it way more complicated than it needs to be.
More and more I think we can cloud it up by seeking the mysterious spiritual remedies or solutions. And what really matters more than most anything is just showing up for each other. Just sharing in community. Communion. In the reality of being human. Shared humanity. You know…
Just saying hey… that’s all.