Wild Eyed Misfit Prophet

I do feel the words of the Carnival. Feel them. It’s almost like Natalie and I wrote them together. I once thought that was a possibility. I considered some other titles to this post: Boiling Over perhaps or WTF or Lonely Street… But this one captures as much as can be captured.

There are times I give in to the delusion that my voice is needed. That it is desired. Prophetic. As I read back through my Out West Journal and saw some of the things that were written to me, or after I posted my rant about education and got a text from my Dr. professor friend that she was gonna use that to teach her undergrads, or a memory that popped up on FB with a note from a student saying I was an inspiration, or the messages I’ll get once in a while via insta about how much my writing or rants on Co6 means to them… Folks used to tell me good things after I would do a little sermonizing on Sunday morning too… alas!

But I was reminded simultaneously during this mania of the mind that my voice isn’t unique. There are plenty of people writing and saying the same things. And though I should be glad about Oneness and Unity and such as that, I can’t help but be deflated with the notion that unique is maybe a bit of an overstatement. Even reading that same Journal and recognizing that I’m still thinking and writing about many of the same things 20 years later let some air out of my tires.

Jane Goodall says to chase your dreams as the prescription for living a full life. My dream is to be a messenger. I like to be the one to deliver the news. Quick with a post about the school board decision. Quick with a text of happy bday to a group thread. I like to be the messenger. And I like to contemplate the Message and see if I can’t figure a way to relay it in captivating, meaningful, and productive ways. Some days it seems like I’m good at it. Others, not so much. Ahhh, self-pity, thank you for allowing me to wallow–I think maybe I’ve experienced even more loss than I realize not being able to fully teach on a daily basis this past year.

There’s so much! Spinning. Chaos. Dystopian. I’m numb (with denial or something akin) to caring about much. No doubt the anxiety over the issues and possible issues with my gut is a real thing. I eat the same basic things and exercise and do all the things I think I should to help. I got some results back from the functional medicine labs and there were some red numbers on there… something is off I suppose. The GI doc appointment looms. Maybe the anticipation of it all is the worst of it. Maybe, hopefully, once it comes and goes, whatever the reckoning, the distant ever present heavy fog will lift. I think I am doing ok with it all and then a flood of body changing anxiety. Dammit! Why can’t I have self-control! Why can’t I master these fears?!

And I wasn’t joking about my back deck being a desert island. Loneliness is a real thing, too. Covid be damned!

And I’m tired, weary, of giving a f. Ha. I sometimes envy the folks that don’t seem to. I’m tired of initiating contact and dealing in surface level conversation. I’m tired of the leaders of the so called church, the church that should have the answers, or should at least bring comfort and peace and healing and compassion… instead there seems to be an overrepresentation of smug assholes.

And yes, I’m aware that my current disposition… that my chains of fog, that my decreasing desire to be the one responsible, that my increasing desire to not give a f, that my lavish bath of self-pity… I’m aware of how those things are related to the loneliness.

I enjoy wearing my new tank tops. And wearing Large t-shirts instead of XL. I enjoy seeing the changes in my body back into the shape it was a few decades back. I enjoy cranking out pushup ladders and increasing the number of crunches. I enjoy announcing Crest football, and getting compliments about such. I enjoy writing this blog every day. I enjoy the moments. The times where I recognize. The spectacle of seeing Sam and Luke and JP and Eli playing challenge matches as they have for the last 4 years. Of pulling the pillow from Isaac or talking about the virtues of 2 in 1 shampoo. Of Sydney seeing things eye to eye with me and her casting that knowing glance my way. I know those are real things. I wish I could stay there. Ha. Change. Would. Unique.

Pray for me. Or send your vibes. I rely too much on affirmation. I want things to be. Good. Lovely. Or rather I want to be in those things. I’m tired. Wild Eyed. Misfit. Let me hear. Hear. And Listen to the words below. The word. In these words, I’m glad I’m not the only one. I can find comfort in being a small part of the One. Let it be.

Psalm 107

1Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;
    his love endures forever
.

Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story—
    those he redeemed from the hand of the foe,
those he gathered from the lands,
    from east and west, from north and south.

Some wandered in desert wastelands,
    finding no way to a city where they could settle.
They were hungry and thirsty,
    and their lives ebbed away.
Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,
    and he delivered them from their distress.
He led them by a straight way
    to a city where they could settle.
Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love
    and his wonderful deeds for mankind,
for he satisfies the thirsty
    and fills the hungry with good things.

1Some sat in darkness, in utter darkness,
    prisoners suffering in iron chains,
11 because they rebelled against God’s commands
    and despised the plans of the Most High.
12 So he subjected them to bitter labor;
    they stumbled, and there was no one to help.
13 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
    and he saved them from their distress.
14 He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness,
    and broke away their chains.
15 Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love
    and his wonderful deeds for mankind,
16 for he breaks down gates of bronze
    and cuts through bars of iron.

17 Some became fools through their rebellious ways
    and suffered affliction because of their iniquities.
18 They loathed all food
    and drew near the gates of death.
19 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
    and he saved them from their distress.
20 He sent out his word and healed them;
    he rescued them from the grave.
21 Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love
    and his wonderful deeds for mankind.
22 Let them sacrifice thank offerings
    and tell of his works with songs of joy.

23 Some went out on the sea in ships;
    they were merchants on the mighty waters.
24 They saw the works of the Lord,
    his wonderful deeds in the deep.
25 For he spoke and stirred up a tempest
    that lifted high the waves.
26 They mounted up to the heavens and went down to the depths;
    in their peril their courage melted away.
27 They reeled and staggered like drunkards;
    they were at their wits’ end.
28 Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble,
    and he brought them out of their distress.
29 He stilled the storm to a whisper;
    the waves of the sea[b] were hushed.
30 They were glad when it grew calm,
    and he guided them to their desired haven.
31 Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love
    and his wonderful deeds for mankind.
32 Let them exalt him in the assembly of the people
    and praise him in the council of the elders.

33 He turned rivers into a desert,
    flowing springs into thirsty ground,
34 and fruitful land into a salt waste,
    because of the wickedness of those who lived there.
35 He turned the desert into pools of water
    and the parched ground into flowing springs;
36 there he brought the hungry to live,
    and they founded a city where they could settle.
37 They sowed fields and planted vineyards
    that yielded a fruitful harvest;
38 he blessed them, and their numbers greatly increased,
    and he did not let their herds diminish.

39 Then their numbers decreased, and they were humbled
    by oppression, calamity and sorrow;
40 he who pours contempt on nobles
    made them wander in a trackless waste.
41 But he lifted the needy out of their affliction
    and increased their families like flocks.
42 The upright see and rejoice,
    but all the wicked shut their mouths.

43 Let the one who is wise heed these things
    and ponder the loving deeds of the Lord.

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